Have you ever wondered why men hate to shop? Most men that is! Well I am going to let you in on a little secret. Us men will go to great lengths to avoid the task of Mall shopping.
The holiday season is nearly upon us and with that the dreaded task of mall shopping. Fortunately, I am married to a wonderful woman who does ninety-eight percent of our holiday shopping. The only gifts I am required to shop for are the one's for her. Although her gifts only represent two percent of the total of gifts we will purchase, the amount of agonizing stress related pain I will have to endure to select, purchase, gift-wrap, and hide until Christmas will take years off my life. I am convinced that men would live to be two to three hundred years old, maybe more, if we did not have to shop at Christmas time. There is sound evidence to my theory. In the book of Genesis men lived to be up to nearly one thousand years old. This was before Christmas shopping and it has been down hill for us men ever since.
Even a more dreaded task than going shopping by myself is to get trapped into going with my wife. It is a huge mistake! ! Although it is a mistake I rarely make on occasion I slip up or I am tricked into it. Such was the case today when we went to buy a Christmas tree. Eight hours later with packages overflowing from both my arms and our three year old in tow, she took one look at me, took some immediate pity, and asked if I was ready to go home. I was elated at the prospect of going home, sitting in my recliner and recovering some of the dignity I had when I started the day.
My wife, as wonderful as she is, lives her life fairly oblivious to the things around her. We can be traveling down the highway and I can say "Wow! Did you see that Grumman F-14 Tomcat fly by" or "Wow! Did you see that 1966 Ford Cobra GT zoom past us." Her response is almost always the same "No!" and "what's the big deal?"
However, when in the confines of a shopping mall she is transformed before my very eyes. A woman who is generally oblivious to her surroundings suddenly becomes keenly aware of everything around her no matter how obscure. It is an amazing transformation indeed. Moments before, while driving to the mall, the Space Shuttle could fly right in front of our car and it would be necessary for me to point this out. However, once in the confines of the mall her senses are instantly and acutely tuned. She can spot, from clear across the store, the perfect gift, or that particular whatnot, which happens to be the perfect color, and will go perfectly on the remaining centimeter of space on our overcrowded mantle or curio cabinet.
I have also noticed that whenever we enter the mall my wife almost always asks me a deep philosophical question. I am not sure if this is intended to focus my mind on greater things than costs and money, or just a trick to make me look stupid. More often than not I find myself in spirited conversation explaining the meaning of life or other deep philosophical thoughts only to find that she has left my side. She has gone on to the gift or the whatnot which she spotted from the other side of the store, while I aimlessly continue to walk on, unaware of her sudden absence.
I finally discover she is no longer at my side as people begin to point and stare at the strange man walking through the mall in deep conversation with no one. Some men just lower their heads, they've been there they know exactly what has happened. I then turn to look for my wife but she is nowhere to be found. I then do what all men do I stick my hands in my pocket. I am not sure why we do this. We just do. Awkwardly I stand there, packages at my feet, hands in my pocket, anxiously waiting for her to reappear.
I am constantly amazed at the lengths men will go to keep from going shopping. The technological advancements of the last hundred years have far exceeded all the previous centuries combined. I am convinced that this is do to increased requests to go shopping. Some men even started a space program and actually flew to the moon to get out of it. The Panama Canal was built, the World Trade Center was constructed, wars have been fought and governments overthrown all to avoid the dreaded shopping.
Have you ever heard of women starting wars? No, only men. We men have decided that it is better to risk our lives on the battlefields throughout the world. Travel to the jungles of Panama while risking malaria and other hazards to dig two hundred and fifty million cubic yards of dirt. Form expeditions, travel to the north and south poles, or build submarines that will bring us to the bottom of the ocean. We will even fly to the moon. It is better to do these things than to be caught in the mall with our hands in our pockets, awkwardly waiting for our wives to reappear. The list goes on and on. The Wright brothers built an airplane. Henry Ford built an automobile factory. I hope you see my point here. So ladies do not be surprised when you ask your husbands to go shopping if you get a response like "I am sorry but I can't go today, I have a third world country to overthrow."
